Change.

I’m not good at initiation, doesn't matter if it is a conversation, a write-up, a relationship, decisions, leadership or the very first line of this piece of writing... but what the hell, so here it is. I’m all confused about what I want in life, or perhaps in certain situations. There are times when I’m this amazing guy who makes everyone laugh if not on his jokes but himself (manages to keep his dignity) and suddenly in certain situations, an absolute douche who has hard times deciding what is right and what is not worth the shot, even though most of the times I never take that shot even though it is completely worth it.

Usually I’m scared. I don’t consider it a bad thing because it keeps me going no matter what. It keeps challenging me at almost every step in my life, it could be in the kitchen or the next random girl I pick up at the bar to have a dance with and just go back drunk to my room and sleep not even remembering her face at all, even when I decide if I want to get into a relationship or not. All my fears help me think rationally. If its kitchen, even when I know I’m screwing things up, I still keep going. Scared? Yes... but I go for it anyway. Random girls at the bar are more to do with nervousness; I do that to see if I’m still worth something or not, not that I want to kiss them (usually) or anything but just to see if I would be someone they’d choose to be with and honestly every time I’ve got the chance to dance I’ve been happier to see her surprised than to actually go forward with the dance itself. Coming down to relationships, I honestly don’t get the idea of commitment. Yes I am afraid of them because I am afraid of the unknown. The only time I’ve been happiest with any girl whatsoever is when I was a friend of hers not after commitment or whatever that socially accepted imaginary bubble is called.

I don’t know what to do. I look around and people are doing just fine... even me, but this most definitely is not the life I wanted to have at this time of my life. We all want pretty people around us, people who are proud of us for doing something great. I haven’t done anything great so forget the pretty people that follow you later on. I just want to live my dream and this time period is killing me. Its slow, its monotonous and its fucking boring.

Why the fuck am I writing all of this?

Maybe coz it’s time we start changing stuff. 

Sun

The look in her eyes

With a pinch of disguise

Will make even the wise envy you

You’d know she can leave

And she will indeed

But praise her for she will resist

She’ll have that smile

Worth all the while

 But later on the way

She’ll be gone

You’d want to get close

Before she goes

But before you’d know

She’ll be gone

Before you run

To catch the sun

Remember its just her charm

It might look like a mile

And worth all the while

 It’s almost like she means no harm

But you’ll run and fall

and melt and burn

If you ever wish to

 Go for the sun

But unfortunately and eventually

 That’s the only way you’d learn.

I am.

ive made me

my image

my life

my outcome

my dreams

who will care?

no one

they will forget

but im needed

and thats why im created

so that i create

i do this

i do that

but the question is 

who am i?

they know my image

my life

my outcome

my dreams

they dont care

but i care to see 

who am i? 

the one who created

the image, life, dreams and the outcome.

why am i needed?

i guess to enjoy the bliss

soch.

thaam le jo hai

rahega nahi phir wo

chalta ban tu ruk nahi

insaan hee kya na girega jo

ahankaar na badaa apna

jo khadaa rahe ped ki tarah

aandhi mein ghaans rahegi

ped toot kar kho jaayga kahin

ahankaar na badaa apna

dekh koi badaa sapna

choti nahi hai zindagi

soch badaa apni

tera mera toh kya hee hai

ye duniya aur ye sansaar hee hai

kharoch kar zameen tune

bol toh dia kya tera kya mera

zabaan aur rang se hee 

bol toh dia kya tera kya mera

par ab soch badaa apni

baant diye bhagwaan bhee

khud hee banaaye iss mitti se

phir baant diye khud hee

upar nahi baitha koi

yahin hai sab 

abhi

yahaan

tu hee bhagwaan hai

mai hee bhagwaan hun

soch badaa apni

kharochi hai zameen

aur logon ke dil bhee

zubaan, rang,roop mein

baanta toh bhagwaan hee kyu

pyaar baant-te... par nahi

abhi soch choti hai

soch badaa apni

thaam le jo hai

rahega nahi phir wo

chalta ban tu ruk nahi

insaan hee kya na girega jo

Being Human.

The following thoughts have been inspired by one of the greatest philosophers I have ever known, Osho and George Carlin. I wouldn’t call this piece of writing as an original one because it’s the thought that matters and it’s just that I have understood a few things and decided to share it with all of you. The content might offend you because that’s how people usually react to the truth, so if you don’t like it at any point, stop reading it)

'every step in life is a lesson', yes, it is bumper sticker stuff but as far as I have come in life I have learnt that it surely does depend on how much you pay attention to life, how much you grasp and will you pass the never ending tests that life throws at you. What I’ve learnt is that the syllabus is not too much but just a little rebelling on the bases of what society has decided as to what truth is. 

we all go through a lot of emotions every day, meet new people, go through new experiences and so on... but surprisingly, we have managed to drop out on our natural behaviour and accepted what our 'moral society' has decided for us. In the recent past I had a few emotional speed breakers in my life and yes I’m talking about a girl here. The problem with us was that she wanted a relationship and I wanted friendship at the end of what we had been through, which were some really beautiful moments together. This has happened to me before that I freaked out on the very utterance of the word relationship. Yes I was scared to commit, I don’t know why, I told her that I don’t trust myself but the reason was completely different. 

We as a part of a society have accepted the very fact of making love a law (marriage) rather than understanding that love is the law and it will stay as the law. The whole idea of telling people and announcing is so ridiculous that now we need to remind not just others but our partners too that terming it however you want to term a relationship doesn't make it that way. If two people do have a connection which is bound to grow then it is very obvious for it to grow regardless of how you name it and when you name it. in our case, there was something and we felt it and we both agree that it was beautiful and to me there is nothing more that matters but probably in her case she did not trust me enough because I was not ready to fall in a pit made by them... that I had to 'ensure' our very being together by calling it something that it already was. We also need to understand that a human brain is neither designed for monotony nor monogamy. 

One of the biggest teenage taboos existing in India at least is the fact that one should stick to one partner no matter what. This, ladies and gentlemen, is unnatural in every sense. Humans were never designed to fall for just one partner and stay with them for the rest of our lives. I know you might be thinking that what the fuck am I talking about, but we have forgotten that when we as humans had to start off the whole idea of taking responsibility of one person not until man decided to draw borders and call it as 'his' land and started working. it was only then that he started thinking and deciding for himself, what is good for him and what is bad for him, exactly like deciding his religion and actually believing that there is only one god and that was his and the rest of the gods and religions which say pretty much the same thing are to be hated, it is only then when he actually decided to kill others in the name of god, was the time when he decided that it is only one partner that he is suppose to live with and that he had an upper hand on women. 

I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to love one person throughout our life... if you do, it is perfectly fine , all I am saying is that I look at it as a very retarded behaviour and that the person who can do that has probably very little sense of creativity and adventure in his life. Love a person as much as you can , may it be for a week, a month, a year or a decade but when you know that the feeling inside has diminished, have the balls to go and say it. Be human for once and when you bid your lover a farewell, do it with grace and respect, because you loved him/her once and be grateful for all those memories (and move on).

Dreamer

to put his pen and paper
together at times
revealed what he was
to become what he wanted
each thing that he counted
on his finger tips
he became.
he became a lover
he became a friend
he became a son
but in the end
it was just the paper
that knew about
what all he became
sitting there
on the hill top
on that paper
he became.
his mouth wouldnt say a word
nor his hand would move an inch
to talk to that girl
or to go for what is worth
but on that hill top
on that paper
he became
a lover
a master
a dreamer of today.