Change.

I’m not good at initiation, doesn't matter if it is a conversation, a write-up, a relationship, decisions, leadership or the very first line of this piece of writing... but what the hell, so here it is. I’m all confused about what I want in life, or perhaps in certain situations. There are times when I’m this amazing guy who makes everyone laugh if not on his jokes but himself (manages to keep his dignity) and suddenly in certain situations, an absolute douche who has hard times deciding what is right and what is not worth the shot, even though most of the times I never take that shot even though it is completely worth it.

Usually I’m scared. I don’t consider it a bad thing because it keeps me going no matter what. It keeps challenging me at almost every step in my life, it could be in the kitchen or the next random girl I pick up at the bar to have a dance with and just go back drunk to my room and sleep not even remembering her face at all, even when I decide if I want to get into a relationship or not. All my fears help me think rationally. If its kitchen, even when I know I’m screwing things up, I still keep going. Scared? Yes... but I go for it anyway. Random girls at the bar are more to do with nervousness; I do that to see if I’m still worth something or not, not that I want to kiss them (usually) or anything but just to see if I would be someone they’d choose to be with and honestly every time I’ve got the chance to dance I’ve been happier to see her surprised than to actually go forward with the dance itself. Coming down to relationships, I honestly don’t get the idea of commitment. Yes I am afraid of them because I am afraid of the unknown. The only time I’ve been happiest with any girl whatsoever is when I was a friend of hers not after commitment or whatever that socially accepted imaginary bubble is called.

I don’t know what to do. I look around and people are doing just fine... even me, but this most definitely is not the life I wanted to have at this time of my life. We all want pretty people around us, people who are proud of us for doing something great. I haven’t done anything great so forget the pretty people that follow you later on. I just want to live my dream and this time period is killing me. Its slow, its monotonous and its fucking boring.

Why the fuck am I writing all of this?

Maybe coz it’s time we start changing stuff.