I’m not good at initiation, doesn't matter if it is a
conversation, a write-up, a relationship, decisions, leadership or the very first
line of this piece of writing... but what the hell, so here it is. I’m all
confused about what I want in life, or perhaps in certain situations. There are
times when I’m this amazing guy who makes everyone laugh if not on his jokes
but himself (manages to keep his dignity) and suddenly in certain situations,
an absolute douche who has hard times deciding what is right and what is not
worth the shot, even though most of the times I never take that shot even
though it is completely worth it.
Usually I’m scared. I don’t consider it a bad thing because
it keeps me going no matter what. It keeps challenging me at almost every step
in my life, it could be in the kitchen or the next random girl I pick up at the
bar to have a dance with and just go back drunk to my room and sleep not even
remembering her face at all, even when I decide if I want to get into a
relationship or not. All my fears help me think rationally. If its kitchen,
even when I know I’m screwing things up, I still keep going. Scared? Yes... but
I go for it anyway. Random girls at the bar are more to do with nervousness; I do
that to see if I’m still worth something or not, not that I want to kiss them (usually)
or anything but just to see if I would be someone they’d choose to be with and
honestly every time I’ve got the chance to dance I’ve been happier to see her
surprised than to actually go forward with the dance itself. Coming down to
relationships, I honestly don’t get the idea of commitment. Yes I am afraid of
them because I am afraid of the unknown. The only time I’ve been happiest with
any girl whatsoever is when I was a friend of hers not after commitment or whatever
that socially accepted imaginary bubble is called.
I don’t know what to do. I look around and people are doing
just fine... even me, but this most definitely is not the life I wanted to have
at this time of my life. We all want pretty people around us, people who are
proud of us for doing something great. I haven’t done anything great so forget
the pretty people that follow you later on. I just want to live my dream and
this time period is killing me. Its slow, its monotonous and its fucking
boring.
Why the fuck am I writing all of this?
Maybe coz it’s time we start changing stuff.
